How does your individual chemistry work?

According to Gary Chapman, there are five love languages. Harville Hendrix has told us that we make good, bad and indifferent choices of partners and need to learn how to make the relationships work. I say there’s a piece missing: We need more than how to communicate love to each other and how to develop good patterns of relating. My point is that lovers need to also know how their individual chemistry works; what is their attitude to love? That tells you by what mechanism the feelings of tenderness, passion and lust flow.

So, what is an attitude to love? Quite simply, it’s a set of thoughts and feelings that determines how you think, feel and behave when you’re in love. It reveals what love is for you. Basically, the attitudes fall into one of four categories. There’s passion, dignity, peace and joy; the core units from which love is created.

If you’re a Red-hot Lover, you feel a passionate connection to your lover. And that means you can be very sensitive, experience heartfelt emotion, go through drama and even chaos, all in the name of love.

As a Courageous Adventurer, you answer to yourself and highly value respect. This makes you ever so slightly mysterious, with a slant on life that means a lot to you. You can be very humorous, often with a dry wit.

Alternatively, you could be a Sensible Compromiser who values being calm and reasonable. You give unconditional love and support and do your best to prevent disappointment.

And then there’s the Joyful Diversionist who is young at heart, in love with love and adores all that’s spontaneous and glorious. This makes you a reluctant adult who dislikes it when anybody rains on your parade by telling you to deal with hard, cold facts and problems.

To be able to generate love in the first place and keep it going, you need to know your attitude to love, the core chemical unit from which your love is created.




President Trump and E.L. James

Am I the only one who sees a similarity between Donald Trump and E.L. James? He is the President of the USA and she is the author of the ’50 Shades of Grey’ trilogy. They’ve both found a niche market: Trump got 66 million votes in the election and James sold 150 million books. Many people in the mainstream and elite criticize them heavily, so heavily that you start to wonder how they hold their heads up and continue plowing forward. But, that’s exactly what they do; they pursue their goals proudly albeit as if they have blinders on. It’s entirely possible that they feed on criticism as much as praise, holding fast to the path towards vindication. And they receive enormous amounts of negative and positive attention.

Trump and James bring out a lot of the same feelings as well: At any given moment, you don’t know if you should be offended by them, embarrassed for them, stunned by their success or amazed by their accomplishments. It does really take some kind of intuition or talent to be aware of the millions upon millions of individuals who share their thoughts and feelings about the world.

I mean who knew that the USA had an appetite for such things as a Muslim ban, a border wall with Mexico, getting close to Russia and reneging on trans people’s bathroom choices? Trump knew.

And, did you realize that there were masses of people world-wide who have issues with narcissism, sadism, assertiveness and control; never mind very unusual views of love? James knew that.

So, Trump and James are passionate people and that’s how they accomplish these marvels of popularity. They use their feelings of passion to tap in to the feelings of others and they recognize those who are like-minded. This is the same mechanism used by the Red-hot Lover.


President Trump is a Red-hot Lover…what about Melania? And what does this mean for their relationship?

The Donald appears to be a Red-hot Lover through and through. You can see that he does what is right and true to him, no matter about the firestorm it causes. As a matter of fact, he almost looks like he revels in the angst, drama and chaos that fill his life and that of his country. What better way is there to get constant attention? Just think of his Muslim ban, the Mexican wall and saying the press is the enemy of the people. No matter what happens with any of this, he just keeps forging ahead, with blinders on. If he feels like a fool, it doesn’t show; we don’t see anything that looks like concern about the large portion of the population that scorns him. Of course, this is his appeal to his supporters: He carves out his own goals in his own reality and relentlessly pursues them. To the extent that others see the world his way, he is vindicated. So, those who back him in rescinding bathroom choice to transgender students stir his passion. And that’s what his Presidency is all about for him: his passion.

It appears as though Melania is not on the same wavelength as her Presidential husband. Think of the visible passion between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. You don’t see that between the President and First Lady. As a matter of fact, you don’t see passion in her at all. She is a different type: one I used to call Passionate Adventurer, but have renamed Courageous Adventurer. Melania clearly resists being bored, fenced in or cornered; she willfully avoided the Donald’s presidential campaign and now she’s steering clear of the white house. Melania is slightly mysterious in all of this: there’s a part of herself that won’t bend and she doesn’t explain her actions. She apparently answers to herself.

So, how do a Red-hot Lover and a Courageous Adventurer get along? At the beginning, she probably presented as a challenge; he would have had to work to win her over. She may have been impressed by his sensitivity, intensity, drama and fire. But, as any of that encroached on her personal freedom, her sense of dignity and her feelings of self-respect, she would push him away. As he would say or do random, reckless and hurtful things, she would establish herself in her own orbit. He might well be blissfully unaware of this emotional divide; he didn’t even seem to notice that she shuddered when he touched her arm at the podium in Florida last week. He may look like he’s in charge in their relationship, but in all likelihood, she has a stronger will than he does. Plus, there’s the risk that they could wear each other out: his passion and control could get really tiresome; her coolness or outright rebellion could flabbergast him.