Self-compassion

I look at self-compassion as different from the hippie-type statements that abound telling you to love yourself and going so far as to say if you can’t love yourself you’ll never be able to love anyone else. People who have a dreaded fear of being arrogant, who self-punish for errors or who believe they’re not good enough are going to be immune to the self-love rhetoric. The way I find to translate self-compassion to someone for whom it is a foreign concept is to demonstrate that he/she already has some, even if it’s rudimentary. I start by asking the individual to describe his/her characteristics that he/she values. Then we talk about the fact that maintaining a personality with desirable features in it means they must have told themselves they were doing something right. And they were probably good and kind to themselves when they evidenced these characteristics. That’s the beginning…

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How does your individual chemistry work?

According to Gary Chapman, there are five love languages. Harville Hendrix has told us that we make good, bad and indifferent choices of partners and need to learn how to make the relationships work. I say there’s a piece missing: We need more than how to communicate love to each other and how to develop good patterns of relating. My point is that lovers need to also know how their individual chemistry works; what is their attitude to love? That tells you by what mechanism the feelings of tenderness, passion and lust flow. So, what is an attitude to love? Quite simply, it’s a set of thoughts and feelings that determines how you think, feel and behave when you’re in love. It reveals what love is for you. Basically, the attitudes fall into one of four categories. There’s passion, dignity, peace and joy; the core units from which love is…

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