# The Six Passions of the Red-Hot Lover

> By Wendy Brown, Clinical Member, Ontario Society of Psychotherapists


## Posts

- [Mind games in dating](https://whylovesucceeds.com/mind-games-in-dating/): Playing mind games with your love interest can be very risky. Let’s suppose you’re playing hard to get. This is a classic game in which the Prince/Princess is presenting a challenge to see if the potential lover will try to prove his/her mettle and show his/her devotion. If he/she makes the grade, then the Prince/Princess might feel safe enough to open up to a love relationship; in other words, come down off of his/her pedestal and be vulnerable. Note that the Prince/Princess is initially taking the upper hand in the game with the assumption that he/she will always have a slight edge of power. After all, if things went badly in the future, he/she could again retreat to the pedestal. This might attract a lover who has a problem with being in the lower position, having to measure up, possibly facing rejection. This individual could be vindictive and play the… 
- [National Indie Excellence Book Award](https://whylovesucceeds.com/national-indie-excellence-book-award/): Why Love Succeeds or Fails has won a National Indie Excellence® Book Award in the Relationships category!
- [Common, everyday narcissism](https://whylovesucceeds.com/common-everyday-narcissism/): In my opinion, common everyday narcissism means having a noticeably greater amount of self-interest and insecurity than empathy and confidence. If there was such a thing as an ideal personality, you’d have the capacity for both in roughly equal measures. To see something of what it feels like to be narcissistic, start by saying to yourself that you can’t afford to care much for the well-being of others who are close to you. If you do, you’ll threaten your ability to survive and get what you need out of life. Of course, you’ll have to pretend to have some heartfelt concern for people and learn the right things to say. You also need to hide your deep feelings of insecurity by acting in a somewhat arrogant or controlling fashion. Think of a characteristic, right or privilege you have that you can use to give yourself the feeling of entitlement to… 
- [Anger at work](https://whylovesucceeds.com/anger-at-work/): Believe it or not, many of the same principles hold for workplace and relationship issues. Anger is a big topic in both areas. What is anger? It’s a feeling that can cover annoyance, frustration, hostility, opposition and rage. It might be superficial or it can run deep. And it may have good and bad effects on an individual; it can promote feelings of strength, power and confidence, or weakness, helplessness and fear. What causes anger? People vary a lot in their likelihood to experience or show anger. But, everyone has some anger. A person may have experienced anger in the past and not fully resolved the issues. As a result, he/she may still carry a little or a lot of anger over them, which can surface spontaneously or in response to a stressor. Anger can also develop anew in response to slights, insults, conflicts and problems. At work, many factors… 
- [The 50 Most Common Marriage Problems-Plus How to Fix Them](https://whylovesucceeds.com/the-50-most-common-marriage-problems-plus-how-to-fix-them/): Wendy Brown was interviewed for Redbook, posted on MSN. Read the article here.
- [Self-compassion](https://whylovesucceeds.com/self-compassion/): I look at self-compassion as different from the hippie-type statements that abound telling you to love yourself and going so far as to say if you can’t love yourself you’ll never be able to love anyone else. People who have a dreaded fear of being arrogant, who self-punish for errors or who believe they’re not good enough are going to be immune to the self-love rhetoric. The way I find to translate self-compassion to someone for whom it is a foreign concept is to demonstrate that he/she already has some, even if it’s rudimentary. I start by asking the individual to describe his/her characteristics that he/she values. Then we talk about the fact that maintaining a personality with desirable features in it means they must have told themselves they were doing something right. And they were probably good and kind to themselves when they evidenced these characteristics. That’s the beginning… 
- [Keeping the Love Alive in a Long-Distance Relationship](https://whylovesucceeds.com/keeping-the-love-alive-in-a-long-distance-relationship/): Wendy Brown was quoted in this article at more.com. Here’s the link.
- [How does your individual chemistry work?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/how-does-your-individual-chemistry-work/): According to Gary Chapman, there are five love languages. Harville Hendrix has told us that we make good, bad and indifferent choices of partners and need to learn how to make the relationships work. I say there’s a piece missing: We need more than how to communicate love to each other and how to develop good patterns of relating. My point is that lovers need to also know how their individual chemistry works; what is their attitude to love? That tells you by what mechanism the feelings of tenderness, passion and lust flow. So, what is an attitude to love? Quite simply, it’s a set of thoughts and feelings that determines how you think, feel and behave when you’re in love. It reveals what love is for you. Basically, the attitudes fall into one of four categories. There’s passion, dignity, peace and joy; the core units from which love is… 
- [9 Antiquated Dating Rules You Seriously Need to Get Over](https://whylovesucceeds.com/9-antiquated-dating-rules-you-seriously-need-to-get-over/): Perri O. Blumberg from Redbook interviewed Wendy Brown for this article. Click on this link to read it.
- [Signs You're Growing Apart](https://whylovesucceeds.com/signs-youre-growing-apart/): Wendy Brown was interviewed by Kristine Fellizar for the Bustle article: Signs You’re Growing Apart. Here’s the link.
- [President Trump and E.L. James](https://whylovesucceeds.com/president-trump-and-e-l-james/): Am I the only one who sees a similarity between Donald Trump and E.L. James? He is the President of the USA and she is the author of the ’50 Shades of Grey’ trilogy. They’ve both found a niche market: Trump got 66 million votes in the election and James sold 150 million books. Many people in the mainstream and elite criticize them heavily, so heavily that you start to wonder how they hold their heads up and continue plowing forward. But, that’s exactly what they do; they pursue their goals proudly albeit as if they have blinders on. It’s entirely possible that they feed on criticism as much as praise, holding fast to the path towards vindication. And they receive enormous amounts of negative and positive attention. Trump and James bring out a lot of the same feelings as well: At any given moment, you don’t know if you… 
- [President Trump is a Red-hot Lover...what about Melania? And what does this mean for their relationship?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/president-trump-is-a-red-hot-lover-what-about-melania-and-what-does-this-mean-for-their-relationship/): The Donald appears to be a Red-hot Lover through and through. You can see that he does what is right and true to him, no matter about the firestorm it causes. As a matter of fact, he almost looks like he revels in the angst, drama and chaos that fill his life and that of his country. What better way is there to get constant attention? Just think of his Muslim ban, the Mexican wall and saying the press is the enemy of the people. No matter what happens with any of this, he just keeps forging ahead, with blinders on. If he feels like a fool, it doesn’t show; we don’t see anything that looks like concern about the large portion of the population that scorns him. Of course, this is his appeal to his supporters: He carves out his own goals in his own reality and relentlessly pursues… 
- [Book Review 'The Six Passions of the Red-hot Lover'](https://whylovesucceeds.com/book-review-the-six-passions-of-the-red-hot-lover/): Here is a Valentine’s Day book review of ‘The Six Passions of the Red-hot Lover.’ This is the link. He Said Books Or Me …I STILL THINK OF HIM FROM TIME TO TIME.
- [Trump’s extraordinary three passions](https://whylovesucceeds.com/trumps-extraordinary-three-passions/): President Trump’s supporters and detractors agree on something: He is an extraordinary human. In spite of intense pressure to stop providing his personal thoughts and feelings to a universal audience, he maintains his license to do so. He’s shown the world that he can scoot by limits, barriers and obstacles. And he perpetually creates the feelings that go with being on a pinnacle or turning point: they include hope, relief, distress and alarm. None of this is an accident. It comes from a lifetime of honing his passion into a force to be reckoned with. The Donald has the full spectrum of attributes that come from being governed by passion: He has a delicate, intuitive sense and powerful, uncontrollable emotions. He appears to instinctively avoid that which is passionless because it’s empty and meaningless to him. Basically, if he doesn’t feel for it, he doesn’t care about it. When you’re… 
- [Passion Forward: How to find a Red-hot Lover](https://whylovesucceeds.com/passion-forward-how-to-find-a-red-hot-lover/): Wendy Brown’s article was published on www.brazenwoman.com. Here is the link. 
- [Wendy Brown Expert on Red-hot Love](https://whylovesucceeds.com/wendy-brown-expert-on-red-hot-love/): Wendy Brown is listed as an expert on Red-hot Love on Yahoo Finance. Here is the link.
- [Interview on 'The Six Passions of the Red-hot Lover.'](https://whylovesucceeds.com/interview-on-the-six-passions-of-the-red-hot-lover/): Lisa Haselton interviewed Wendy Brown on ‘The Six Passions of the Red-hot Lover’ on February 3rd. Here’s the link.
- [Art ChatDaddy Sims invited Wendy Brown to iHeart Radio](https://whylovesucceeds.com/art-chatdaddy-sims-invited-wendy-brown-to-iheart-radio/): Here’s the link to Art ChatDaddy Sims Facebook post about the February 1st interview.  Wendy Brown talked about the four types of love she described in ‘Why Love Succeeds or Fails.’ Plus she mentioned that President Trump is probably a Red-hot Lover, as is Grey from ‘Fifty Shades Darker.’ Real Talk, Real People with Chat Daddy A Lifestyle Magazine Show Monday through Thursday 6-9PM(CT) WVON 1690AM Chicago-via iHeartRadio
- ['These Expert Tips Will Keep the Honeymoon Phase Going in Your LTR' article in Brit & Co.](https://whylovesucceeds.com/these-expert-tips-will-keep-the-honeymoon-phase-going-in-your-ltr-article-in-brit-co/): Wendy Brown was interviewed for this article. It appeared in September 2016. Read the article here.
- [Calling all Drama Queens](https://whylovesucceeds.com/calling-all-drama-queens/): Do you find that it makes you instantly angry to have someone call you a Drama Queen? It probably feels like the offending individual just rolled his/her eyes at you, looking knowingly at all the other people in the room. And that just gives you a feeling of outrage. It’s not that you’re denying the fact that you’re a Drama Queen. No, it’s that you secretly feel…well…fulfilled by taking center stage. You actually like being extraordinary and you find value in being excessive and overdone. After all, how else can you fully explore your emotions? There’s a lot to be gained by going from the depths of despair to the heights of rapture. It fills up your emotional life and supercharges even the most common, everyday experiences. Of course, you’ll always have your share of critics. They’ll call you high maintenance and the like. Some may even cringe when you… 
- [The Trifecta of Passion that explains the Trump Phenomenon](https://whylovesucceeds.com/the-trifecta-of-passion-that-explains-the-trump-phenomenon/): Donald Trump is Time Magazine’s Person of the Year for 2016. In the article, Michael Scherer states: …tastemakers and intellectuals have dismissed him as a vulgarian and carnival barker, a showman with big flash and little substance. But what those critics never understood was their disdain gave him strength. You see, Trump has been accumulating passion over his lifetime. By my definition, passion is either a powerful, barely controllable feeling that can overtake a person at times, or a delicate, intuitive sense much like an artisan has for his/her craft. It is very clear that Trump has both. In other words, he’s a Red-hot Lover and one with the capacity to use the full spectrum of attributes passion provides. Most Red-hot Lovers focus their passion on obtaining some particular knowledge or expertise. Usually, they gravitate to one of the six passions: heartbreak, challenge, pursuit, gallantry, vindication or attention. Unusually, Trump… 
- [The cover of The Six Passions of the Red-hot Lover](https://whylovesucceeds.com/the-cover-of-the-six-passions-of-the-red-hot-lover/): It is an 1893 John Waterhouse painting entitled ‘La Belle Dame Sans Merci’ or ‘The Beautiful Lady without Mercy’. The title is the same as an 1819 John Keats poem: a ballad, a type of poem revived by the romantics from the medieval genre. The lady is seen as powerfully destructive to the knight because she’s beautiful, fascinating and unattainable. She appears to have supernatural abilities. At the same time, the knight is vulnerable to her because of his state of mind and the fact that he falls hopelessly in love with her. As he wakes up from his dream and has to reckon with the fact that she’s gone, he feels like he’s dying. This poem is consistent with the themes of medieval courtly love. The lady-love was meant to be physically unavailable and the knight would properly respond with lovesickness. In The Six Passions of the Red-hot Lover,… 
- [Pitfalls of Marrying your Best Friend](https://whylovesucceeds.com/pitfalls-of-marrying-your-best-friend/): Marrying your best friend romantic partner can be a wonderfully validating and rewarding experience. It has the potential to give you someone who is always there for you no matter what. The intimacy can be amazing. If a couple is lacking the closeness of a best friend relationship, they probably need to work on liking each other more. Perhaps they can figure out what they have in common, how they can spend more time together and what new subjects they can discuss. In other words, do what friends do. In my experience, the way married best friends are most likely to go wrong is in defaulting to be just best friends. When they get overloaded with the stress and complexity of married or family life, they tend to let the romantic, passionate and sexual parts of their relationship go. They seem to believe they can just pick up where they… 
- ["How to Avoid Replacement" article in askmen](https://whylovesucceeds.com/how-to-avoid-replacement-article-in-askmen/): Wendy Brown was interviewed for the askmen article ‘How to avoid Replacement’. Read the article here.
- [Comment on marrying your best friend](https://whylovesucceeds.com/comment-on-marrying-your-best-friend/): I’ve noticed that more and more women are becoming practical about the realities of love and marriage. If they want to be married and have children,  they need to do more than just marry in time to accommodate their biological clocks. They also need men who can share the child care priorities and responsibilities. This requires the couple to be able to talk, discuss and negotiate as friends. There appears to be less risk of divorce, or at least ugly expensive divorce, between people who value each other’s friendship and plan to co-parent. With or without children in the picture, marriage is a big deal because of its social, legal and financial implications. It’s generally smarter and safer to tie yourself to someone who is your lover and your best friend.
- [Marry your best friend?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/marry-your-best-friend/): I think there are multiple factors that have contributed to the trend of the last decade that has seen women combining the ideal mate with the best friend. Online dating, social media, texting and sexting have ironically made people feel more disconnected and anonymous in some ways. It’s entirely possible to link up with others and present yourself to the world without anybody ever getting to know who you really are. Life can be very lonely unless you have family or friends who know you and love you. We’ve also had the phenomenon of friends with benefits for quite some time. It doesn’t work for everybody. But I think the idea of combining friendship and sex has filtered into our consciousness. Our divorce rate has been soberingly high for a long time. It might now be starting to go down. The upsetting and expensive reality of divorce has made many… 
- ["How to Support a Friend Going Through a Divorce" Article in Womanista](https://whylovesucceeds.com/how-to-support-a-friend-going-through-a-divorce-article-in-womanista/):     Wendy Brown was interviewed for an article in Womanista. Read the article here.  
- [Your partner has cheated. What now?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/your-partner-has-cheated-what-now/): You may still be reeling from finding out that someone you love has betrayed you. He/she is saying that the affair is over, but you don’t know how to figure out what to do next. Do you stay with the person who has done something unloving and untrustworthy or do you move on? If you stay together or not, how do you recover from this loss? Ultimately, this is a very personal decision. There are people who cannot tolerate cheating of any kind; one incident signals the end of their union. There are others who won’t consider ending their relationships no matter what happens. This could be due to love, children, money, insecurity or any number of other reasons. Then there are the people in the middle, between these two extremes. Even though they are devastated, angry and/or heartbroken, they need to decide if they can forgive the cheater and… 
- [Divorce as a step towards personal growth](https://whylovesucceeds.com/divorce-as-a-step-towards-personal-growth/): In my experience, it is difficult and painful, but possible, to look at divorce as a step towards personal growth. It can be very sad, even heartbreaking, but nonetheless an inevitable reality. Something critically important in the union between the two people has broken down. And on one side or both sides, there’s not enough resilience, love, passion or interest to bring the relationship back to life. In cases of cheating, there’s usually a lot of high emotion; blaming the cheater for everything that went wrong in the past and present. The outrage of the betrayed person can truly be a force to be reckoned with. Another situation that elicits high emotion is the breakdown of the couples physical relationship. Usually one partner was more likely than the other to avoid sex, which made the other feel rejected and unloved. These situations often degenerate into one of them counting the… 
- [How can you tell if you've found your soul-mate?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/how-can-you-tell-if-youve-found-your-soul-mate/): Basically, you need to zero in on the connection between you. And sift through the tumult of emotions you experience when you’re attracted to someone, falling in love or in love. Separate out your feelings into three camps: Sexual Hopeful Resonating Sexual feelings are any that drive you towards physical intimacy. Hopeful feelings are those you add to the facts. Facts include what is actually happening in front of you; what is concrete and real. Let’s suppose there’s appreciation, respect, kindness and dignity between you and someone. Then there is what you hope, dream and wish all of that means. It’s your interpretation blended with your vested interest. Beware that your vested interest can go either way: false positive or false negative. You might be wondering why anyone would have a false negative hope. This occurs when an individual is afraid of being set-up for failure. Instead of leaving him/herself… 
- [Can you find a soul-mate on Tinder?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/can-you-find-a-soul-mate-on-tinder/): Yes, but you’re really setting yourself up for a challenge. Tinder seems to be set up as the devil’s advocate of deep, meaningful relationships. You have just a little information on your prospective hookup or date and some photos. But, then again you don’t have much to go on if you meet someone at a club or a coffee shop. What you need to be able to accomplish is no easy feat: Engage a person in such a way that you can tell if there’s potential for a real connection. Inspire him/her to want to get to know you deep down. And have the opportunity to make it all happen. By the way, that probably means no sex for three to six dates. If you’re looking for resonance with your inner self, you need to be unclouded emotionally. You have to connect with your gut. Sex is a big distraction… 
- [Red-hot Lovers are often into living fairy-tale lives](https://whylovesucceeds.com/red-hot-lovers-are-often-into-living-fairy-tale-lives/): Jackie Bouvier Kennedy had a fairy-tale life in many ways, but not all. Her father, Black Jack Bouvier, taught her how to command attention as a poised, enigmatic and beautiful woman. Her mother taught her to marry wealthy men and approved of Senator John F Kennedy. Her father was supposed to walk her down the aisle at her wedding, but instead he was at home naked, drunk and asleep. Jackie was envied by women such as Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn, who vied for the role of future First Lady married to the young and gorgeous Presidential hopeful.  Jackie scored when it came to her social standing, but she believed she was married to the world’s worst husband. On their honeymoon, Jack told her he had prostatitis, gonorrhea and chlamydia; none of which could be cured due to his Addison’s disease. Jack’s childhood gay friend, Lem Billings, was ever-present to give… 
- [Liz and Dick were Red-hot Lovers](https://whylovesucceeds.com/liz-and-dick-were-red-hot-lovers/): Think of the scandal caused by Liz and Dick. It focused on Liz who had been married four times before the age of 30; she was currently married to Eddie Fisher who she stole from Debbie Reynolds. Not that long prior, the tabloids were putting out statements like this: ‘Liz Blood Thirsty Widow Vampires Eddy.’ Eddie was right there working with Liz during the filming of Cleopatra. Dick was married to Sybil Williams who was accustomed to his cheating. He had another woman, a Copacabana dancer, who would show up on the set of Cleopatra. And in the middle of all of that, Liz and Dick fell in love and started up an affair. Remember that Cleopatra was filmed in the early 1960’s in Rome. The affair between Liz and Dick was not only public it was also a top story. Because they were situated in Rome, the Vatican got… 
- [I know this guy is a player...](https://whylovesucceeds.com/i-know-this-guy-is-a-player/): But, we had a great connection and really strong chemistry. Our first date was just so much fun. Why didn’t I hear from him again? The fact that this man is a known player is very important. It means that in general for some reason he has chosen not to open up that much in romantic and passionate situations. Instead, he has opted to remain in a position of control, to protect himself. It’s hard to know exactly what he has chosen to hold back and why; this is very individual and may be quite idiosyncratic. Whatever is missing or well guarded is his area of insecurity. It could be that he’s fascinated by women whose behavior makes no sense and whenever he’s tried to get close to someone like that, he’s been massively hurt. Perhaps he’s got a long history of being/feeling neglected by the kind of person he’d like to… 
- [Friends with benefits beware.](https://whylovesucceeds.com/friends-with-benefits-beware/): Often enough one person wants a friendship with benefits as a means of safely, conveniently and comfortably having a sexual relationship. That individual is completely clear that he/she is not in love and will not be falling in love with the friend. But then the friend has other ideas. The friend wants a romantic and passionate relationship and hopes to transition the friends with benefits arrangement into just that. However, this needs to be something of a secret, to avoid creating a potentially unworkable and hopeless situation. The person who really wants the friends with benefits arrangement is probably actively seeking someone else who is relationship material. It should be fine to let the current friend know exactly that. But given what’s going on within him/her, it is devastating. It feels insulting, disappointing and hurtful. The message may very well come across as equivalent to saying the friend is simply not good enough and… 
- [Do you have a cheating heart?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/do-you-have-a-cheating-heart/): Specifically: Do you find that you don’t exactly feel faithful? It’s possible to understand the whole concept of monogamy and agree to it, but not fully feel it. People describe this phenomenon as feeling like they have a chip missing. They simply don’t get it deep down. Arguably, there’s nothing missing or wrong with individuals who don’t feel completely faithful. It’s just another way to be. But, if their 100% monogamous partners find out about this, they will typically be outraged, devastated and condemnatory. For them, there’s something seriously wrong when fidelity does not compute. That’s because it puts them at risk. And they question what is wrong with them; they ask if they’re not enough. The issue, however, doesn’t revolve around the partner or the quality of the love in the relationship. It revolves around the person whose loving feelings don’t completely centralize and focus. Instead, their feelings wander… 
- [SOS: "I do not feel like having sex with my partner" Article at S.O.S Mujer](https://whylovesucceeds.com/sos-i-do-not-feel-like-having-sex-with-my-partner-article-at-s-o-s-mujer/): Wendy Brown was interviewed for an article in S.O.S Mujer (Woman). Read the article here.
- [No Desire to Have Sex](https://whylovesucceeds.com/no-desire-to-have-sex/): What are the possible causes of having no desire to have sex with a partner? In my experience, there are many possible causes of having no desire to have sex with a partner. A person could have a physical problem, like untreated reduced thyroid function. Or, someone could be experiencing high levels of anxiety and having panic attacks. Another individual might be undergoing a lot of stress, or having difficulty adjusting to change. Then, it’s also possible that somebody has never had much sexual desire and what they had has gradually fizzled out. But, often enough, there is no easy or obvious explanation for having no desire to have sex with a partner when you look at just the individual with that problem. To understand what’s going on, you need to figure out how the relationship is going with the partner. It is very, very common to have a person… 
- [Who are Red-hot Lovers?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/who-are-red-hot-lovers/): Being a Red-hot Lover is quite a distinction. It means you could be one of the greatest lovers the world has ever known. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton were true Red-hot Lovers. They had the virility, the obsession, the jealousy and the pain. Liz and Dick were both married to other people when their scandalous love affair started. They received criticism from the Vatican, the US Senate and Ed Sullivan. Sixteen months after their divorce, Dick was quoted to say ‘You can’t keep clapping a couple of sticks [of dynamite] together without expecting them to blow up.’ Whatever you think of the wild rollercoaster ride they took together, they had Red-hot Love in spades. Of course, there are happy endings with Red-hot Love. Vivian Ward (Jessica Roberts) and Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) were Red-hot Lovers in the movie Pretty Woman. As the picture proceeds, it becomes less and less relevant… 
- [Who do we thank for Red-hot Lovers?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/who-do-we-thank-for-red-hot-lovers/): Firstly, we need to define Red-hot Love: Romance that’s full of passion, drama, intensity and lovesickness. We need to thank the courtly lovers of the Middle Ages for Red-hot Love: Without them we might not have drama kings and queens, princes and princesses and a lot of the high maintenance lovers of the world. We may have missed out entirely on the knight in shining armor rescuing the poor fellow or the damsel in distress with his/her love. We could be lacking the exquisitely sensitive, heartbreakingly appealing gentle lover who stumbles and falls in matters of love. It’s possible that we wouldn’t have developed the ever popular game of playing hard to get. And where would we be if they hadn’t developed lovesickness into a prescribed ritual? Arguably, we may not even have Ashley Madison if it wasn’t for the courtly lovers. For all of their Courts of Love, Laws… 
- [Chronic cheating](https://whylovesucceeds.com/chronic-cheating/): Cheating causes some of the worst pain this world has ever known. People describe it as feeling like they’ve been punched in the stomach and had their hearts ripped out. Some cheaters get it. They realize what they’ve done and feel their partner’s pain. But, those with empathy like this seem to be in the minority; most cheaters say they feel really terrible over what they’ve done but it’s somehow less than totally believable. And you’ve got to seriously question the extent to which a chronic cheater feels for his/her partner. It’s possible to have a mismatch in a couple: one is monogamous and the other is poly amorous. Often enough, the poly amorous one doesn’t want to admit it and pretends to be monogamous. This could be due to shame or guilt over not having the strict moral code of his/her partner. But more likely, it’s because he/she is… 
- [Reflecting on Tinder](https://whylovesucceeds.com/reflecting-on-tinder/): Tinder seems to be the model of efficiency as a hookup or dating site. It appears to be the natural evolution of online dating. This is all good, but there’s something about it that makes me very sad. Perhaps it’s the bottom-line of Tinder that gets to me: A quick connection with someone is easy to obtain. It’s not that valuable. Maybe, as a therapist, I spend too much time talking with playboys and playgirls about their loneliness. I hear that the sex is rarely amazing; generally it’s good enough for two or more people who are drunk or high and who don’t know each other well. Often enough, somebody is getting hurt. And nobody seems to really care about that except the person who is hurt of course. Everybody else is just playing the game, staying in his/her individual bubble and trying not to be that person. I think my issue… 
- [Need help with online dating?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/need-help-with-online-dating/): Let’s suppose you can describe the perfect man/woman for you. You might even be able to explain why he/she is your ideal. What you’re doing is tapping into yourself and projecting your image of your other half onto a blank screen. Fair enough. That involves you knowing yourself to some extent, which is a great start. I’d say that’s step one. I propose that step two could be getting to know the type you’re seeking before you even try to find him/her online. You see, when you know yourself, you have some knowledge of what goes with what in your personality. Imagine that you’re uplifting and fun-loving when you fall in love. Well, you’re also probably very upset and avoidant when troubles show up. It’s this yin and yang that’s really important to understand about the man/woman of your dreams. That’s what allows you to be one step ahead in… 
- [Letter to the Editor: Toronto Life, July 2015](https://whylovesucceeds.com/letter-to-the-editor-toronto-life-july-2015/): Bedtime Stories I’m a Toronto-based therapist with many clients who use Tinder, and I can’t help commenting on your May issue article, “The Bay Street Tinder Diaries.” They tell me it’s a trendy, racy way to meet people as well as a hookup site. Most of them go on it not just for sex but hoping for an emotional connection. If one develops, they seem to feel it’s more of an accomplishment than if they’d used a conventional dating site. If nothing develops, they can fall back on Tinder being a hookup site. It’s sort of like cramming for exams: do well and you look like a genius; do poorly, and you have the face-saving excuse of not having studied until the night before. This may be a well-guarded secret, but in my practice, I’ve found most people still want a loving and passionate relationship. They default into having multiple… 
- [7 Biggest Mistakes You Can Make in a Relationship: Article at Bustle.com](https://whylovesucceeds.com/7-biggest-mistakes-you-can-make-in-a-relationship-article-at-bustle-com/): Wendy Brown was interviewed for an article on Bustle.com about the 7 Biggest Mistakes You Can Make in a Relationship. Read the article here.  
- [Six Major Marriage Enders](https://whylovesucceeds.com/six-major-marriage-enders/): It’s usually a lengthy and difficult process to end a marriage. That’s because most people don’t take it lightly when they promise to stay with someone forever. There has to be a really substantial problem to make them give up and declare the marriage is done. Here are the six major things that I have seen end marriages: 1) Cheating This is first on the list because it’s one of the most painful reasons people split up. The spouse who finds out his/her partner is cheating usually feels like he/she has been kicked in the gut and just had his/her heart ripped out. The feelings of betrayal, jealousy and humiliation are often  intense and unrelenting. Some people simply cannot or will not forgive and forget: cheating leads straight to divorce in these cases. But, there are also lots of marriages in which one individual chronically cheats, or they both do.… 
- [Are you in love with a bad boy?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/are-you-in-love-with-a-bad-boy/): Take the test and see if your guy qualifies as a bad boy. Then read a bit about his personality and get some idea of what he needs from you. First though: What exactly is a bad boy? Well, there’s quite a range covered by the term: On one end of the spectrum you might find somebody with a slight edge, a really dry sense of humor or an intriguing world view. On the other end, you could discover a man who is always up for a debate, cynical and jaded or even dark and mysterious. Test Questions: Yes   No Would he become instantly angry if he felt you wanted him to be a puppet on a string?  Does he want the rush and freedom of going his own way in life? Does he have a unique viewpoint and does he need you to respect it? Does he admire people… 
- [Power and Love](https://whylovesucceeds.com/power-and-love/): Power and love go hand in hand in relationships because power has to be there to protect you when you love. It’s really a risky business to open yourself up to love and trust another person. Your heart is on the line. So, you need a means of holding your own, defending your interests and remaining attractive. Power can do all of that. But too much power can cause you to detach, take a position and dig your heels in. The trick is knowing how to regain or obtain just enough power. There are lots of subtle, low – impact power moves you can make. The best ones are those you can explain away as unintentional or incidental. Keep your life interesting, thriving and upbeat. This makes it clear that you’re desirable and potentially in demand. But, go easy; you don’t want to look like you’re moving on. Delay a… 
- [Why are so many people in love with Passionate Adventurers?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/why-are-so-many-people-in-love-with-passionate-adventurers/): Many people who have read about someone with this attitude to love either wish they were Passionate Adventurers, or they set their sights on finding one and falling in love with him/her. Here is a summary of what it means to be someone who sees love as a Passionate Adventure: At first sight: I can be really mysterious; my potential lovers usually sense that there’s a tiny bit of me that can never be won. As a lover I feel: Mainly I have confidence that I’m on an amazing quest; with pride, dignity, humour and strength. My attitude to love is a passionate adventure: I have a mission; I need to believe in myself and be courageous as I go forward in life and love. Problems I have in a relationship are: I can be very offended if my lover doesn’t really know who I am. I find it intolerable… 
- [4 Signs You've Met Your Soulmate: Article at Bustle.com](https://whylovesucceeds.com/483/): Wendy Brown was interviewed for an article on Bustle.com about 4 Signs You’ve Met Your Soulmate, Because It Has Nothing to Do With Passion or Shared Interests. Read the article here.
- [See if you think Gripping Dramatists are lovely people.](https://whylovesucceeds.com/see-if-you-think-gripping-dramatists-are-lovely-people/): I do. It’s always hard for me to hear that they’re ever so slightly embarrassed to read about their attitude to love. Then again, they’re usually also relieved to hear that somebody finally understands their complexity. Here is a summary of what it means to be someone who sees love as a Gripping Drama: At first sight: I can be very emotionally engaging; I get deeply involved and I focus intensely on my love relationship and my lover. As a lover I feel: Mainly I have romantic and sexual tension; with sensitivity, intensity and volatility. I also experience some dark emotions. My attitude to love is a gripping drama: I desperately want love in my life. When I have it, I find it hard to believe that I do. If I start to believe it, my next thought is that it will be temporary. That puts me through terrible emotional… 
- [3 Signs You'll Get Engaged: Article at Bustle.com](https://whylovesucceeds.com/3-signs-youll-get-engaged-article-at-bustle-com/): Wendy Brown was interviewed for an article at Bustle.com about 3 signs you’ll get engaged . Read the article here.  
- [The Love Attitudes](https://whylovesucceeds.com/the-love-attitudes/): In all likelihood, you haven’t naturally and spontaneously discovered your attitude to love. It’s pretty common to have an attitude but not be consciously aware of it. You might need something to draw your attention to it: You could suddenly realize that your lover is wearing you out with his/her doubts and fears that your love is fading. Your boyfriend/girlfriend may feel deeply loved when you really get his/her sarcastic sense of humor. These are clues about whether or not you and your partner are marching to a different drummer or to the same one when it comes to love. But this realization doesn’t provide you with enough insight to boost your love-life in a big way. Having your attitude to love defined:  Will help you understand what love is for you. Love will become more than a mysterious feeling that can confuse you and trip you up. You will… 
- [What is love anyway?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/what-is-love-anyway/): Well, it’s easy enough to know what love isn’t: Have you ever been on a date with somebody who is just head over heels in love with you? And your only thought is ‘Meh.’ Were you ever in a once happy love relationship and somehow or other you just lost that loving feeling? Then you found out what it feels like when you cross the invisible line in the sand that means you’re done. You feel a cold resistance, or an active refusal to be receptive to a loving connection. You just have a barrier. More than anything you feel as if you just want to turn away and you actually have a sense of relief when you do. So, what is love? Love is an emotional bond or closeness; it can be nice, warm and steady or powerful, magnetic and electrifying. It feels forever in the world like a… 
- [Why not fall for the guy/girl who is after you?](https://whylovesucceeds.com/why-not-fall-for-the-guygirl-who-is-after-you/): It would be convenient, practical and efficient. Well, you’re simply not attracted to him/her and that’s that. Have you ever noticed that you have specific feelings to back you up on this? Probably, that particular guy/girl holds no mystery or fascination for you. If any questions about him/her leap to mind, you likely don’t care that much about the answer. So, you’re simply uninspired, flat and not feeling any chemistry: ‘I’m just not feeling it.’ If you have to spend time with this person who is crazy about you, you may feel the need to keep your guard up. You suspect that this individual just might try to invade your personal space if he/she could. This doesn’t mean anything harmful would ensue. It just means you know all too well that he/she wants any way in and you dislike that fact: ‘I need my boundaries in place with him/her.’ There’s… 
- [Questions to Never Ask on a Date: Article at Bustle.com](https://whylovesucceeds.com/questions-to-never-ask-on-a-date-article-at-bustle-com/): Wendy Brown was interviewed for an article at Bustle.com about questions to never ask on a date unless you want an awkward moment. Read the article here.  
- [Awkward Honesty on a First Date: Article at Bustle.com](https://whylovesucceeds.com/awkward-honesty-on-a-first-date-article-at-bustle-com/): Wendy Brown provided quotes for an article at Bustle.com about dating, awkward honesty...
- [This is no simple wish.](https://whylovesucceeds.com/this-is-no-simple-wish/): I’ve heard that you can make a wish and it just might come true. Well, I’ve spent a long time preparing this wish. As I put it out there in the universe, I know it will take its place along with all the other wishes. That’s OK. All I ask for is its place in the sun where it can live or die on its own merit.  I wish you love.  Now, you need to bear in mind that this is no simple wish. For you to have love, you need to be able to recognize it, appreciate it and hold onto it. You have to let go of your view that you can make-believe about love. That’s because you need your heart and mind to be clear. Ultimately, you have to hone your senses sufficiently that you can maintain something of a hub of confidence when it comes to… 
- [Even more questionable dating advice](https://whylovesucceeds.com/questionable-dating-advice-blog-post-3/): If you don’t love yourself, don’t expect a man to love you. The thinking here probably is: Women who have love relationships must love themselves. You’ll be better off with more positive self-esteem than you have right now. Who wouldn’t be? Being self-critical allows you to get into a relationship wherein the man is hard on you and you don’t stop him; it could appear as though he doesn’t love you. You’re walking around feeling ‘I’m just not good enough.’ Men are picking up this message and agreeing with you; that’s why you’re not being asked out. If you don’t end up with a man who loves you, it’s your own fault; you failed at loving yourself to a sufficient extent. You’re being criticized for being self-critical. The potential fallout from following this advice is: You develop a flawed view of women who are in love relationships; perceiving all of… 
- [Waiting to Have Sex: Article at Askmen.com](https://whylovesucceeds.com/waiting-to-have-sex-article-at-askmen-com/): Wendy Brown provided quotes for an article at Askmen.com about why men should wait before having sex...
- [More questionable dating advice](https://whylovesucceeds.com/bad-dating-advice-blog2/): It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one, so find a rich one. The thinking here probably is: He’ll never know whether or not you’d love him even if he was poor. Poverty sucks! Rich men or poor men: They’re all the same. The only difference is your bank balance is much more comforting with the rich guy. If you ever split up you’ll be entitled to funds from him for some time to come. He’ll be happy to treat you like a princess. The potential fallout from following this advice is: If you’re not wealthy yourself, the reality of finding a rich man is not that easy. You need to go where people with plenty of money go and you need to go often. It’s not a great idea for you to attend these functions and look out of place, which… 
- [Questionable Dating Advice](https://whylovesucceeds.com/questionable-dating-advice/): I am a psychotherapist who has a lot of experience dealing with love relationships. Over the years, I’ve seen people upset because they’ve accepted dating advice from their family and friends that hasn’t served them very well. Having love-life difficulties and feeling at least a little desperate for a solution, they were perhaps too eager to have advice; any advice. Then, things went wrong. Sometimes the dating advice caused them to solve one problem and create another, or it worked fairly well but had a hidden downside that showed up later. That is why I’ve decided to write a series of blog posts to point out: The thinking that goes along with the dating advice What tends to be the fallout of implementing the advice By the way, I think it’s generalizing too much to say some dating advice is good and some is bad. Every person is different and… 
- [50 Shades of Grey and domestic abuse](https://whylovesucceeds.com/50-shades-of-grey-and-domestic-abuse/): I’m going to do a series of blogs on some controversial elements of domestic abuse and BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism) in 50 Shades of Grey. Today I’m focusing on whether or not Anastasia Steele, the 21 year old virgin, actually consents to be battered. But does it matter? Either way, is she a victim of domestic abuse by Christian Grey, the 27 year old billionaire who is into BDSM? On the surface of it, doesn’t it sound ridiculous that somebody would freely and willingly consent to abuse? Surely a victim has to be ensnared, coerced or trapped in an abusive relationship. At the very least he/she would be in some sort of forced-choice situation. It certainly doesn’t sound like Steele is on a mission to find a batterer or a dom (dominant male in BDSM) when she interviews Grey for a school newspaper article.… 
- [Interview on 'Sex at 11 with Rebecca.'](https://whylovesucceeds.com/check-out-my-interview-april-24-2014-on-sex-at-11-with-rebecca/): Check out my interview April 24, 2014 on...
- [Interview at Mommy Noire website](https://whylovesucceeds.com/interview-at-mommy-noire-website/): Abiola’s Love School is a weekly empowered Love Lesson...
- [Letter to the Editor: Toronto Life, June 2013](https://whylovesucceeds.com/letter-to-the-editor-toronto-life-june-2013/): Brandon Wade, the founder and CEO of the sugar daddy dating site Seeking-Arrangement.com, made a comment in your April issue that keeps ringing in my ears: 
- [Letter to the Editor: Toronto Life, April 2013](https://whylovesucceeds.com/letter-to-the-editor-toronto-life-april-2013/): I'm a psychotherapist working in Toronto, and several of my patients have read "My Cheating Heart" and expressed anger over the writer's selfish actions, as well as sympathy for her husband.

## Pages

- [Red-Hot Lover](https://whylovesucceeds.com/more-about-love/red-hot-lover/): What makes a Red-hot Lover, well, Red-hot? Passion is the key ingredient. I define passion as either a powerful, barely controllable feeling that can overtake you at times, or a delicate, intuitive sense much like an artisan has for his/her craft. Passion is what makes you capable of mind blowing sex, sensitive close emotional attunement and anything from despair to rapture in living your life. Your passion typically pulls you towards sex, love and drama. If you go too far with any of that, you can end up with some measure of chaos as well.
- [Six Passions and Love-Life Scripts](https://whylovesucceeds.com/more-about-love/six-passions-and-love-life-scripts/): A Red-hot Lover tends to focus on one of six passions. These particular passions have been very popular for at least 1000 years, since the medieval courtly love period. It’s no wonder that they have filtered so far down into our culture and emotions that we have people living their lives for them. You basically fall into thinking, feeling and behaving in a particular way when you’re in love. You don’t realize it but over time you make decisions about yourself and your life as a lover. When you do this, you basically set yourself up with a script to follow in your love-life. It’s like having a script in a movie; it tells you the actions to take and the path to follow. In the case of Red-hot Lovers, each of the six passions produces a script. It’s possible to have one or more that govern your thoughts, feelings… 
- [The Six Passions of the Red-Hot Lover](https://whylovesucceeds.com/the-six-passions-of-the-red-hot-lover/): Find Out Which One is Yours Buy the Paperback: Amazon Buy the E-Book: Amazon Kindle | Apple iBookstore | Kobo As a Red-hot Lover, you’re not just into mind-blowing sex. There’s a big part of you that’s also up for regal, passionate love. Your passion is your guide; it gives you a delicate, intuitive sense along with a wild and crazy side. You may even focus on one of the six passions: heartbreak, challenge, pursuit, gallantry, vindication or attention. Finding out which passion is yours helps you understand and interpret what happens in your love life. As a Red-hot Lover, that can make it possible for you to star in one of the great love stories of our time. “…Informative, full of clever ideas, and rich in sensible advice – this is a book very much worth reading…” Read the full, five-star review by Grady Harp, an Amazon top reviewer. “Wendy’s concept of the six passions… 
- [Success or Failure in Love](https://whylovesucceeds.com/more-about-love/success-or-failure-in-love/): What makes love relationships stand the test of time and surmount all sorts of difficulties is a combination of how much love the two people feel for each other and how much problem-solving ability they have. With a lot of love and a little problem-solving ability, they run the risk of love not being enough. That’s because couples have to cope with the fact that life brings troubles. With a little love and a lot of problem-solving ability, they may be able to manage their way through anything but run the risk of not wanting to bother. Understanding the love attitudes and how the love-matches work will help you: You’ll have a pretty good idea of what you can do if you want your love relationship to succeed. You won’t burn out the love you have between you in frustrated attempts to figure out what’s wrong and how to fix… 
- [Blog](https://whylovesucceeds.com/blog/)
- [Love Attitudes](https://whylovesucceeds.com/more-about-love/love-attitudes/): Quite simply a love attitude is a set of thoughts and feelings that determines how you think, feel and behave when you’re in love. It reveals what love is for you. Essentially you take your love attitude for granted and can’t see it clearly unless somebody or something brings it to your attention. But there are times when you might have some awareness of love attitudes: When you say a certain individual is or isn’t your type or when you comment that the love your lover provides is or isn’t the love you need. Here are the four love attitudes Wendy Brown discovered: Love is a Gripping Drama Seeing love as a Gripping Drama means you’re prepared for uneasiness, suspense and turmoil. In other words you’re expecting your love-life to provide you with some serious and intense ups and downs. Both good and bad times can fill your need for… 
- [Speaking Engagements](https://whylovesucceeds.com/speaking-engagements/): Topics: 1. Should you fall in love or be sensible about mate selection? We need to discuss how and why: Romantic and passionate love is different for different people. Being sensible about love works very well for some and not well at all for others. 2. Do you know how to determine if your love relationship is thriving, ailing or ending? And what to do in each case? 3. As a lover, what is your greatest gift and what is your biggest need? Having this information will help you understand what it is like for someone who is in love with you.
- [About the Author](https://whylovesucceeds.com/about-wendy/): Wendy Brown, RP, Clinical Member, OSP, is an individual and couples therapist who estimates that she has done over 35,000 hours of therapy and discussed love in most of them. She is in private practice in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Her first book Why Love Succeeds or Fails won the National Indie Excellence Award for a Relationship book in 2014! And her second book The Six Passions of the Red-hot Lover: Find out which one is yours won the National Indie Excellence Award for a Relationship book in 2017! Twitter: @WhyLoveSucceeds | Facebook: Why Love Succeeds or Fails BOOK WRITING 2016 The Six Passions of the Red-hot Lover: Find out which one is yours 2013 Why Love Succeeds or Fails AWARDS 2017 National Indie Excellence Award for a Relationship Book: The Six Passions of the Red-hot Lover: Find out which one is yours 2014 National Indie Excellence Award for a Relationship Book: Why… 
- [Placeholder](https://whylovesucceeds.com/homepage-placeholder/)
- [Contact Wendy](https://whylovesucceeds.com/contact-us/): Wendy Brown would love to hear from you! Please email her at wendywhylovesucceeds@gmail.com or reach out on: Twitter: @WhyLoveSucceeds | Facebook: Why Love Succeeds or Fails I’m a regular guest on WVON 1690AM Chicago-via iHeartRadio with Art Sims, also known as Chatdaddy. Check it out! I’ll be doing a series of talks at the Metropolitan Community Church.  
- [Why Love Succeeds or Fails](https://whylovesucceeds.com/why-love-succeeds-or-fails/): Buy the Paperback: Amazon Buy the E-Book: Amazon Kindle | Apple iBookstore | Kobo Falling in love is easy; it comes naturally. But you have to find a way to keep your love alive. This is how you can use Why Love Succeeds or Fails to help you succeed in love: Figure out your attitude to love. (Take the test.) When you’re in love, your attitude determines how you think, feel and behave. For you, love may be a Gripping Drama, a Passionate Adventure, a Sensible Compromise or a Joyful Diversion. Read about your attitude to love, including your most lovable and unlovable features, the magic word(s) your lover can say to you and your red flag. Pay attention to your recommendations. Do the same for your lover. Read about your love-match, with a focus on the core features of your love and your issues, your tips and your red flag… 
- [More about Love](https://whylovesucceeds.com/more-about-love/): When I speak about a love attitude, I mean the way you look at love, the way you feel it, experience it and what you appreciate about it. You may already realize that love is different for different people. If you have a friend who is into love relationships that don’t appeal to you at all, you can listen to each others’ thoughts and feelings and try to understand. It might feel a bit like you’re translating from one language to another. If you have a lover who has a view on love that you find intriguing but hard to understand and navigate, you may end up with a pressing need to figure it out. Or, you might decide you and your lover can’t give each other the kind of love you need. Doing individual and couples therapy, I’ve had the ideal opportunity to find out what love is to… 
- [THE SIX PASSIONS OF THE RED-HOT LOVER](https://whylovesucceeds.com/): I’m glad you’re here, wanting to learn more about yourself as a lover. Having a successful love relationship can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your lifetime. I’ve written a new book called The Six Passions of the Red-hot Lover: Find out which one is yours. And it just won the 2017 National Indie Excellence Award for a Relationship book! Let’s see if you just might be a Red-hot Lover. Answer yes or no to each of these questions: Are you capable of mind-blowing sex and heart-felt closeness? Do you sometimes feel as vulnerable as a candle in the wind? Can you be wild and crazy at times? Do you feel a sense of kinship with the medieval courtly lovers? Is it possible that you have one of these six passions: heartbreak, challenge, pursuit, gallantry, vindication or attention? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you just… 

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