Wendy Brown was interviewed for an article at Bustle.com about dating, awkward honesty and eye contact. Read the article here.
Awkward Honesty on a First Date: Article at Bustle.com
This is no simple wish.
I’ve heard that you can make a wish and it just might come true. Well, I’ve spent a long time preparing this wish. As I put it out there in the universe, I know it will take its place along with all the other wishes. That’s OK. All I ask for is its place in the sun where it can live or die on its own merit.
I wish you love.
Now, you need to bear in mind that this is no simple wish. For you to have love, you need to be able to recognize it, appreciate it and hold onto it. You have to let go of your view that you can make-believe about love. That’s because you need your heart and mind to be clear. Ultimately, you have to hone your senses sufficiently that you can maintain something of a hub of confidence when it comes to love.
At the end of the day, should my wish for you come true, you’ll ever be developing a sense of innermost peace. This results from working on clearing your heart and mind. It requires you fight some of your battles with your demons. You don’t need to conquer them all; just fight them down so they don’t rage at you. Then you can develop the ability to turn the page on them and ultimately stop carrying them with you everywhere you go.
Know that love doesn’t occur because you’re the best, the brightest or the most gorgeous. Those factors make you stand out. This may or may not be attractive to someone. Not everybody wants a lover who stands out.
Love requires hooks between your personality and that of your beloved. Hooks occur based on emotional strength and emotional need. You need to be very careful to discriminate between sexual need and emotional need. Emotional need requires you to feel like there’s something you can work on that requires you to look within yourself. Hopefully it’s not a raging demon. It’s much easier to develop a love relationship when you feel like you can bear each other in mind and both of you can accomplish things when you’re together. Demons make you focus on yourself too much.
This means, for mutual love to be developed and maintained, both of you must feel that you want and need to make a place for each other in your lives. You know your lover is critically important to your feelings of well-being; you have a deep desire for his/her support, approval and kindness. You may not be able to explain it in words, but you feel as though you’re making a pact between you. The two of you might actually feel like there’s a click or a feeling of fitting together. Your reasons may be different, but your sensation of belonging together is at about the same level. And you know all of this is true based on the way it feels.
Thus, I have made my wish. As you can see, this is really no simple wish. But, it just might be able to hold its place in the sun.
Even more questionable dating advice
If you don’t love yourself, don’t expect a man to love you.
The thinking here probably is:
Women who have love relationships must love themselves.
You’ll be better off with more positive self-esteem than you have right now. Who wouldn’t be?
Being self-critical allows you to get into a relationship wherein the man is hard on you and you don’t stop him; it could appear as though he doesn’t love you.
You’re walking around feeling ‘I’m just not good enough.’ Men are picking up this message and agreeing with you; that’s why you’re not being asked out.
If you don’t end up with a man who loves you, it’s your own fault; you failed at loving yourself to a sufficient extent.
You’re being criticized for being self-critical.
The potential fallout from following this advice is:
You develop a flawed view of women who are in love relationships; perceiving all of them to love themselves more than you love yourself. It is patently false that women who have men in their lives deserve it due to their relatively high levels of self-esteem. Think of all the battered women in the world!
The self-sabotage that does occur is putting together the belief ‘You’re just not good enough’ and the behavior of holding back from love relationships until you feel ‘good enough.’
You learn the wrong thing: With this advice, it sounds like you need to see yourself as worthy of being loved by a man. Every man has his own agenda when it comes to selecting and loving a woman.
Waiting to Have Sex: Article at Askmen.com
Wendy Brown was interviewed for an article at Askmen.com about why men should wait before having sex with a new partner. Read the article here.
More questionable dating advice
It’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one, so find a rich one. The thinking here probably is:
He’ll never know whether or not you’d love him even if he was poor. Poverty sucks! Rich men or poor men: They’re all the same. The only difference is your bank balance is much more comforting with the rich guy. If you ever split up you’ll be entitled to funds from him for some time to come. He’ll be happy to treat you like a princess.
The potential fallout from following this advice is:
If you’re not wealthy yourself, the reality of finding a rich man is not that easy. You need to go where people with plenty of money go and you need to go often. It’s not a great idea for you to attend these functions and look out of place, which means you need the clothes, the cabs and the freedom of a rich person. When Prince Charming eventually finds out the truth about your lack of wealth, he might be just a tad suspicious that you want him for his money. This may be especially true if he’s had to struggle hard over a period of years to accumulate his funds. He may try to put you on a strict budget in keeping with a carefully worded domestic contract. Bear in mind that sometimes money comes and goes. Ask yourself if you’d stick by him if he lost his fortune. Guaranteed: he’s asking himself if you would. If things turn very ugly, be prepared to discuss the differences between your original agenda and that of a kept woman. Of course, it does happen that a rich man and a poor woman fall truly, madly and deeply in love. The underlying premise of that love story is that money doesn’t matter; they love each other as people. With the design of falling in love with a rich man, you’ve kind-of shot holes in the romance of your meeting. You might have a very hard time with his suspicion and scrutiny over time; just like he has a hard time trusting you and letting down his guard. If you really do love each other, you can get past all of these difficulties, but it will probably take some time.