The Six Passions of the Red-Hot Lover

Are you in love with a bad boy?

By Wendy Brown July 27, 2015 Articles No Comments

Take the test and see if your guy qualifies as a bad boy. Then read a bit about his personality and get some idea of what he needs from you.

First though: What exactly is a bad boy?

Well, there’s quite a range covered by the term:

On one end of the spectrum you might find somebody with a slight edge, a really dry sense of humor or an intriguing world view.

On the other end, you could discover a man who is always up for a debate, cynical and jaded or even dark and mysterious.

Test Questions:

Yes No

Would he become instantly angry if he felt you wanted him to be a puppet on a string?
Does he want the rush and freedom of going his own way in life?
Does he have a unique viewpoint and does he need you to respect it?
Does he admire people who are unusual in their love relationships?
Does he like imagining how he could change the world and does he like discussing his ideas with you?
Does he dislike it when you ask him so many questions that he feels like he’s under scrutiny?
Does he get bored, resistant or frustrated if you want to talk about problems over and over again?
Is he ideally seeking a love relationship in which he can maintain his feelings of empowerment as a person?

If he scored 7-8/8, he definitely seems to have the viewpoint of a typical bad boy.

With a score of 5-6/8, there’s a strong likelihood he has some significant bad boy traits.

At 3-4/8, he probably has some bad boy tendencies that come out from time to time.

If he scored 1-2/8, he might be a mild bad boy once in a while.

A bad boy personality has some definite features to it. Some are apparent when you first meet, some are potentially lovable and some are…sigh…potentially dislikable.

When you first meet:

He probably seems slightly mysterious. There’s a tiny bit of him that can’t be won; at the end of the day he answers to himself. That’s how he justifies believing in himself. His lovers typically find it very appealing to see if they can figure him out and then have him answer to them because of their love and their importance to him. That will never happen, but it’s no reflection on the strength of their love or the importance of his lover to him. He just has a pact with himself that he won’t break.

Power and Love

By Wendy Brown July 22, 2015 Articles No Comments

Power and love go hand in hand in relationships because power has to be there to protect you when you love. It’s really a risky business to open yourself up to love and trust another person. Your heart is on the line. So, you need a means of holding your own, defending your interests and remaining attractive. Power can do all of that.

But too much power can cause you to detach, take a position and dig your heels in. The trick is knowing how to regain or obtain just enough power.

There are lots of subtle, low – impact power moves you can make. The best ones are those you can explain away as unintentional or incidental.

Keep your life interesting, thriving and upbeat. This makes it clear that you’re desirable and potentially in demand. But, go easy; you don’t want to look like you’re moving on.
Delay a bit before you reply to the odd text, email or phone call. You need to be really careful with this one. If you delay too much or too often, the other person may feel you’re disconnecting.
Be fine when you’d normally be somewhat annoyed or distressed. This can make him/her wonder if something’s changed and why.
Try for a little mystery. Figure out what you can say or do that will entice the other person without being too obvious that you just want to draw him/ her in.

As much as possible, try to keep your perspective. Power is meant to protect you when you love. That means power shouldn’t interfere with love or damage it. That being said, there are exceptions to every rule. Perhaps you and your lover are OK with a pretty heavy – handed use of power. For example, either of you can flirt, date or even sleep with someone else to make your point. I still recommend caution. Power moves like these can hit a person the wrong way. He/she could run screaming and never return. Or, stay with you and talk about the heartbreak of it for the next 25 years.

In general, it’s really important to be careful when you’re using power. A little can go a long way. You can rue the day if you go too far and impair your trust relationship.

Why are so many people in love with Passionate Adventurers?

By Wendy Brown June 20, 2015 Articles No Comments

Many people who have read about someone with this attitude to love either wish they were Passionate Adventurers, or they set their sights on finding one and falling in love with him/her.

Here is a summary of what it means to be someone who sees love as a Passionate Adventure:

At first sight:

I can be really mysterious; my potential lovers usually sense that there’s a tiny bit of me that can never be won.

As a lover I feel:

Mainly I have confidence that I’m on an amazing quest; with pride, dignity, humour and strength.

My attitude to love is a passionate adventure:

I have a mission; I need to believe in myself and be courageous as I go forward in life and love.

Problems I have in a relationship are:

I can be very offended if my lover doesn’t really know who I am. I find it intolerable to be stifled, controlled, scrutinized or interrogated. I am outraged if my lover corners me.

My needs from a lover are:

I have to be understood, appreciated and respected.

My most positive characteristic overall is:

I maintain my perspective and my courage to know what’s right for me.

My most negative characteristic overall is:

I can be difficult, rebellious and oppositional.

Red flag:

I can be impatient if you don’t believe in me.

Perhaps I should explain a bit about how I developed my theory about attitudes to love; then you’ll understand how a person comes to be a Passionate Adventurer, Gripping Dramatist, Sensible Compromiser or Joyful Diversionist.

As an individual and couples psychotherapist, I’ve spent an enormous amount of time explaining why love problems occur and trying to solve them. I have essentially studied love along with the individuals experiencing it.

I decided to figure out if it’s true that love is different for everybody. So, I kept a piece of paper in my desk and jotted down the definitions of love as I heard them from my clients. I quickly realized that I actually needed four pieces of paper: I was hearing that there are four different views of love. I labelled them love attitudes.

Essentially, a love attitude is a set of thoughts and feelings that determines how you think, feel and behave when you’re in love. You can’t see your love attitude clearly unless someone or something brings it to your attention. Most people need to take my test to figure out which one is theirs.

By the way, it’s very difficult to try to trace back and determine the decisions you’ve made during your lifetime that have resulted in your current attitude to love.

In my opinion, one of the most attractive features of the Passionate Adventurer is this person’s enigmatic quality. Imagine you’re hearing this directly from a Passionate Adventurer:

I know I probably seem slightly mysterious when I meet a potential lover. There’s a tiny part of me that can’t be won; at the end of the day I answer to myself. That’s how I justify believing in myself. My lovers typically find it very appealing to see if they can figure me out and then have me answer to them because of our love and their importance to me. This will never happen, but it’s no reflection on the strength of my love for my lover or his/her importance in my life. I just have a pact with myself that I won’t break.

Then again, the Passionate Adventurer’s ability to have a particular slant on life and love, coupled with his/her natural ability to laugh is pretty appealing too. Here is a Passionate Adventurer addressing this topic:

I have a unique perspective, strong feelings, a sense of humour and personal dignity. I do my best to build a love relationship that empowers me. I love to sit back and poke fun at the trying and boring parts of life. I’ve had lovers fall in love with my sarcasm and wit.

Perhaps it’s the Passionate Adventurer’s clear stance that impresses a lot of people. After all, it can be empowering and exhilarating to find someone who knows his/her own heart and mind. This is another excerpt from a Passionate Adventurer’s own statements:

I’m very proud and confident because I’ve been happy and comfortable with my lover. I am my own person and I choose to love someone who suits me. I don’t give a rat’s ass if there are people out there who don’t understand me or my choice of lover. I treasure my unique lens on the world. I’ve worked very hard to get to the point where I know in an instant what feels good to me. I need to know what’s true and untrue for me; what’s right and wrong for me.

When I listen to Passionate Adventurers for any length of time, I can’t help but hear a rendition of the song ‘The Impossible Dream’ in the background. I suspect it’s the combination of courage, freedom and respect that form the core of the Passionate Adventurer lover’s magic and charm.

4 Signs You’ve Met Your Soulmate: Article at Bustle.com

By Wendy Brown June 4, 2015 News No Comments

Wendy Brown was interviewed for an article on Bustle.com about 4 Signs You’ve Met Your Soulmate, Because It Has Nothing to Do With Passion or Shared Interests. Read the article here.

See if you think Gripping Dramatists are lovely people.

By Wendy Brown May 24, 2015 Articles No Comments

I do. It’s always hard for me to hear that they’re ever so slightly embarrassed to read about their attitude to love. Then again, they’re usually also relieved to hear that somebody finally understands their complexity.

Here is a summary of what it means to be someone who sees love as a Gripping Drama:

At first sight:

I can be very emotionally engaging; I get deeply involved and I focus intensely on my love relationship and my lover.

As a lover I feel:

Mainly I have romantic and sexual tension; with sensitivity, intensity and volatility. I also experience some dark emotions.

My attitude to love is a gripping drama:

I desperately want love in my life. When I have it, I find it hard to believe that I do. If I start to believe it, my next thought is that it will be temporary. That puts me through terrible emotional turmoil.

Problems I have in a love relationship are:

I develop theories about what is going wrong in it and then I try to take charge of it to save it. I over-react, panic, freeze, argue and/or try to end my love relationship. I pull my lover in to be close and push him/her away because I’m upset.

My needs from a lover are:

To help me catch myself and stop my negative emotions from taking over while we identify and solve our problems together. Also, be kind, patient and reliable.

My most negative characteristic overall is:

I make my lover feel very emotionally and sexually connected to me; I let him/her know I need him/her.

Red flag:

I can be very high maintenance.

As an individual and couples therapist, I’ve spent an enormous amount of time explaining why love problems occur and trying to solve them. I have essentially studied love along with the individuals experiencing it.

By the way, it’s very difficult to try to trace back and determine the decisions you’ve made during your lifetime that have resulted in your current attitude to love.

Here is an example of what might be going on within a Gripping Dramatist lover:

I keep thinking that I need to have less negative feeling about myself

and my life. I don’t feel calm, secure or lovable. I want to develop a

close bond with my lover and I want our love to make me feel better. I

realize that’s asking a lot and I really question if I’m worth it. When I

mention any of this to my lover, he/she tries to be supportive and

loving; that-is the first hundred times I mention it. Then he/she tends

to get really tired of the conversation, but doesn’t leave me over it. My

insecurity makes my lover feel secure in a weird sort of way; he/she

knows how much I love and need him/her.

When I hear something like that, I can’t help but feel a great deal of empathy for the sensitivity and struggle of a Gripping Dramatist. I mean this individual really experiences a lot of love-life pain; so much that it spills over into his/her relationship. Of course, I do understand that this can make life somewhat difficult and trying at times.

Following is a very revealing description from an individual who sees love as a Gripping Drama:

I generally feel best if I’m the one being negative about our love

relationship and my lover is being positive about it. I find this type of

dynamic develops in our discussions when I talk about how I’m not

good enough or when I find something wrong with the love between us.

I want to be very clear that I mean what I’m saying. If my lover

agreed with me, I’d do my best to accept it. However, most of the time,

my lovers have been extremely supportive and kind to me; seeing me

as insecure and needing protection from my own negative thoughts.

Imagine yourself in this situation: You’re a Gripping Dramatist and you’ve totally bought into all of the above. From your perspective, you’re doing nothing more or less than coping with your own inner turmoil. But, after the fact, you see that your insecurity was over the top, or your sensitivity was at an all-time high. You can’t help but find some of your thoughts, feelings and actions a little cringe-worthy.

Here is another Gripping Dramatist statement that pulls at my heartstrings:

To me it makes sense that being happy and comfortable with my lover

makes me feel vulnerable. I really feel much stronger and better

prepared to deal with life and love if I’m unhappy and uncomfortable.

Deep down I’m afraid that I’m not meant to have a love relationship.

After all, the drama in my love-life has had more downs than ups.

Granted, there’s nothing about a Gripping Dramatist or loving a Gripping Dramatist that’s easy. But sensitivity, angst and openness about both are parts of emotional life which deserve respect and dignity. It’s more the fact that this person gets kind-of stuck in the down-side of stuff that can become problematic. Then he/she can become volatile. Nonetheless, Gripping Dramatists always have the saving grace that they’ve let you in; they’ve given you a close connection. Isn’t that what love is all about anyway?