Cheating causes some of the worst pain this world has ever known. People describe it as feeling like they’ve been punched in the stomach and had their hearts ripped out. Some cheaters get it. They realize what they’ve done and feel their partner’s pain. But, those with empathy like this seem to be in the minority; most cheaters say they feel really terrible over what they’ve done but it’s somehow less than totally believable. And you’ve got to seriously question the extent to which a chronic cheater feels for his/her partner. It’s possible to have a mismatch in a couple: one is monogamous and the other is poly amorous. Often enough, the poly amorous one doesn’t want to admit it and pretends to be monogamous. This could be due to shame or guilt over not having the strict moral code of his/her partner. But more likely, it’s because he/she is…
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Tinder seems to be the model of efficiency as a hookup or dating site. It appears to be the natural evolution of online dating. This is all good, but there’s something about it that makes me very sad. Perhaps it’s the bottom-line of Tinder that gets to me: A quick connection with someone is easy to obtain. It’s not that valuable. Maybe, as a therapist, I spend too much time talking with playboys and playgirls about their loneliness. I hear that the sex is rarely amazing; generally it’s good enough for two or more people who are drunk or high and who don’t know each other well. Often enough, somebody is getting hurt. And nobody seems to really care about that except the person who is hurt of course. Everybody else is just playing the game, staying in his/her individual bubble and trying not to be that person. I think my issue…
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Let’s suppose you can describe the perfect man/woman for you. You might even be able to explain why he/she is your ideal. What you’re doing is tapping into yourself and projecting your image of your other half onto a blank screen. Fair enough. That involves you knowing yourself to some extent, which is a great start. I’d say that’s step one. I propose that step two could be getting to know the type you’re seeking before you even try to find him/her online. You see, when you know yourself, you have some knowledge of what goes with what in your personality. Imagine that you’re uplifting and fun-loving when you fall in love. Well, you’re also probably very upset and avoidant when troubles show up. It’s this yin and yang that’s really important to understand about the man/woman of your dreams. That’s what allows you to be one step ahead in…
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Bedtime Stories I’m a Toronto-based therapist with many clients who use Tinder, and I can’t help commenting on your May issue article, “The Bay Street Tinder Diaries.” They tell me it’s a trendy, racy way to meet people as well as a hookup site. Most of them go on it not just for sex but hoping for an emotional connection. If one develops, they seem to feel it’s more of an accomplishment than if they’d used a conventional dating site. If nothing develops, they can fall back on Tinder being a hookup site. It’s sort of like cramming for exams: do well and you look like a genius; do poorly, and you have the face-saving excuse of not having studied until the night before. This may be a well-guarded secret, but in my practice, I’ve found most people still want a loving and passionate relationship. They default into having multiple…
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Wendy Brown was interviewed for an article on Bustle.com about the 7 Biggest Mistakes You Can Make in a Relationship. Read the article here.
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